Yeah sure, some have described me as a bit of an ass. I can live with that. I mean my first post was full of borderline racism and childish jokes. That's fine. I can handle your criticism.
So, being the pompous arrogant being that I am, it won't surprise you that this post is all about self promotion. I have made this blog so I can write, and so perhaps some curious bored critters can read my work. I love to write, I really do. But I am also so so lazy. Being new to this whole "Blog" thing, all my previous urges to write are scattered across the internet.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Let's just get the ball rolling shall we?
I could do an introduction, but I think I will just leave you with this story I wrote a long time ago. It was for a friend who was going through some troubling times, so I wrote her this story. I hope she doesn't mind if it is now published. Also, you will probably get to know me much better through this than any introduction I could muster here. So let's do it, shall we?
________________________________________________________________________
Germaine the Giraffe,
And the story of that time where he was acting all awesome and heroic and such!
In a far away land, hidden from the sunshine and sheltered from the wind, there lies a small island, inhabited by all the land animals that have been rejected by their families. Although different in their own ways – Sheila the shark, for example, is a knife wielding Rabi – the animals stick together on this island of solitude. All except for one Animal named Germaine. Germaine was no ordinary giraffe. You see, friend, Germaine was hooked on Venezuelan meth. She was high all the time and the other Amazonian animals just couldn’t take her clumsy attitude any longer, so they got rid of the giraffe. Now she has found herself far away from her family, who beat her, and friends. On the Island she had chosen a life of solitude, away from the other different animals – like Melvin the Monkey, who makes a mean meatball-mozzarella melt - .
But time on the island was slow, and Germaine had already run out of that pure and fine Venezuelan meth. If you’ve ever been around a giraffe who just ran out of meth, then you know what happened next. She threw quite a tantrum that startled all the other animals, including Lester the lion, who wasn't a fan of ‘Finding Nemo’.
-Calm down, you’re going to hurt yourself , belched Baldrick the bald baboon.
- Calm down? Replied Germaine, Who the fuck are you, have you ever had a fucking meth addiction then had to go cold turkey on a fucking desert island surrounded by fucking creepy-ass-borderline-retarded animals, including Sebastian the shitty salamander who stands stupidly stunned when stammering stutters regarding Satan?
The animals took a frightened step back. Germaine was clearly agitated. But they wanted to know why.
- Why yo be bein` so damn pissy you bitch ass giraffe fuck? Demanded Wesley the White Tiger who thinks he’s black.
- Are you serious? Like is that a fucking serious question? Have you seen how much meth I consumed? You dumb fuck. Wake up. I need more meth, said Germaine, calmly.
The animals, Including Zack the Zoology majoring, Zero tolerance for Zeus, Zapping Zambian armadillo, finally gave up and retreated to their respectful homes and discussed, via text messaging, what they should do about the much more than miserable Germaine, who was now shivering by the oasis. They came to a conclusion, it involved a lot of rope – hypothetically enough to hang a giraffe – a tall branch, and a block of ice.
Later that night, they snuck up on Germaine, who was oddly upside down with a tooth brush in her nostril. They grabbed her quickly and put the ice down her pants, while others tied the rope around her mouth. Well Germaine freaked right out, and started spazzing in all sorts of directions. Then out of nowhere, a big sound came from Germaines vowels. All the meth just came rushing out of her, like Jackie chan did for an hour in that movie there. The animals gathered the recent droppings and tied them in a rope and swung them around a branch. Germaine was now free of her addiction and lived on to be the happiest animal on the whole island, even happier than Patricia, the paedophilic parrot. Cause that’s how meth works right?
FIN!
________________________________________________________________________
Germaine the Giraffe,
And the story of that time where he was acting all awesome and heroic and such!
In a far away land, hidden from the sunshine and sheltered from the wind, there lies a small island, inhabited by all the land animals that have been rejected by their families. Although different in their own ways – Sheila the shark, for example, is a knife wielding Rabi – the animals stick together on this island of solitude. All except for one Animal named Germaine. Germaine was no ordinary giraffe. You see, friend, Germaine was hooked on Venezuelan meth. She was high all the time and the other Amazonian animals just couldn’t take her clumsy attitude any longer, so they got rid of the giraffe. Now she has found herself far away from her family, who beat her, and friends. On the Island she had chosen a life of solitude, away from the other different animals – like Melvin the Monkey, who makes a mean meatball-mozzarella melt - .
But time on the island was slow, and Germaine had already run out of that pure and fine Venezuelan meth. If you’ve ever been around a giraffe who just ran out of meth, then you know what happened next. She threw quite a tantrum that startled all the other animals, including Lester the lion, who wasn't a fan of ‘Finding Nemo’.
-Calm down, you’re going to hurt yourself , belched Baldrick the bald baboon.
- Calm down? Replied Germaine, Who the fuck are you, have you ever had a fucking meth addiction then had to go cold turkey on a fucking desert island surrounded by fucking creepy-ass-borderline-retarded animals, including Sebastian the shitty salamander who stands stupidly stunned when stammering stutters regarding Satan?
The animals took a frightened step back. Germaine was clearly agitated. But they wanted to know why.
- Why yo be bein` so damn pissy you bitch ass giraffe fuck? Demanded Wesley the White Tiger who thinks he’s black.
- Are you serious? Like is that a fucking serious question? Have you seen how much meth I consumed? You dumb fuck. Wake up. I need more meth, said Germaine, calmly.
The animals, Including Zack the Zoology majoring, Zero tolerance for Zeus, Zapping Zambian armadillo, finally gave up and retreated to their respectful homes and discussed, via text messaging, what they should do about the much more than miserable Germaine, who was now shivering by the oasis. They came to a conclusion, it involved a lot of rope – hypothetically enough to hang a giraffe – a tall branch, and a block of ice.
Later that night, they snuck up on Germaine, who was oddly upside down with a tooth brush in her nostril. They grabbed her quickly and put the ice down her pants, while others tied the rope around her mouth. Well Germaine freaked right out, and started spazzing in all sorts of directions. Then out of nowhere, a big sound came from Germaines vowels. All the meth just came rushing out of her, like Jackie chan did for an hour in that movie there. The animals gathered the recent droppings and tied them in a rope and swung them around a branch. Germaine was now free of her addiction and lived on to be the happiest animal on the whole island, even happier than Patricia, the paedophilic parrot. Cause that’s how meth works right?
FIN!
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