What does a revolving door and a remorseful duck have in common?
Why did the Toaster Oven cross the road?
Who the hell gave Celine Dion a recording contract?
Is global warming a legit threat?
These questions all have something in common: the end answers are up for great debate, but once it is all said and done we have to keep investing in green energy alternatives (and thus we conclude the worst intro ever).
Oil and coal, two of the biggest energy sources of the world, are running out. Hell, something scarier, hydro power plants, the most popular source of clean energy are drying up, and they represent some perspectively frightening percentage of our worlds energy production (and thus we continue with doing no research at all).
Now unless you have no access to the Internet, and let's be honest that is not my target market, you have heard some discussion to renewable energy. You know, like windmills, tidal farms, nuclear plants, solar power and many other obscure methods.
Hey, check this shit out, a lot of people have no jobs right now. The government is starting a bunch of funded projects to give employment to those who need it. It's called creating jobs and stimulating the economy, I hear it is a hit in East Asia. How about while they are funding these projects, we make some of them related to the construction of efficient power plants.
The implementation of green energy isn't even about the environment anymore. All signs point to yes. Job creation, sustainability, economically efficient (some more than other obviously), security, human fucking curiosity. What ever happened to the fun race we used to be, where new stuff was cool and intriguing and we just wanted more of it. Now we are afraid of revolutionizing our energy. We are treating it like an abusive parent when we should be engaging it like nitro in a Ford Focus. Come on people, there isn't much we can do except become rich and dedicate our lives to it. But what we can do is be receptive to the alternatives. Stop bitching when they try and change the world for the better. Leave the crying eyes in the drawer for a while and embrace the marvelous change in humanity that could be taking place around us.
If you need one last reason, here it is; Europe is owning us. I hate losing to those disgustingly clean Europeans, but they are way on top in green energy. Even England just signed a contract to build the worlds largest tidal farm. God sakes, England!? Come on North America, let's get our shit together.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The Randomness Perspective
"I always set my alarm to a completeley random time to wake me up, like 8:23 or 8:19" He said
"Same...
but wait I just saw you set it to 8:00, that's not random" she replied
"It is if you are not being selectively random" was the retort
She paused to think...
"Same...
but wait I just saw you set it to 8:00, that's not random" she replied
"It is if you are not being selectively random" was the retort
She paused to think...
Friday, May 21, 2010
Motion Sensors are like a warm beer
Today's population goes absolutely balls up for technology. I mean look at the Ipad, it's a piece of shit, but still everyone has to go buy one so they can say "Lol I have an Ipad
I am much more intellect than you". What used to be a competition in lawn mowing and hedge trimming
between neighbors has moved to a feat of who can buy the newest expensive gadget first. Speaking of which, I hate people who go through two or more cellphones a year, just because one becomes "outdated".
Businesses are also competitive. They have to attract people away from similar sellers to their own company. Fine, makes sense. But what used to be achieved through pricing and customer service is now done, in large part, with gadgets (real time chat with experts, express checkout, escalators instead of stairs - for you skeptics who think I am lying). Some places now will just load up every inch of their building with "technological advancements".There are many examples, some that I can't think of but I am sure you can, but the one that gets me the most, is the Motion Sensor
.
Motion sensors are like a warm beer: looks cool from a distance but is utter disappointment in reality. Here is a short list to describe where Motion sensors should and shouldn't be. For readability purposes, I have uploaded it as a picture.
It's just ridiculous. Like yeah, Motion sensors are cool, I mean, a lot of old people like the WII, so they must be good for something. But to put them everywhere in our lives for "our convenience" is bush league. It's not so much the actual product that bugs me, but the demand.
"Oh I know, let's make that a motion sensor, that way people won't have to press anything for water"
"And let's make the monitor a motion sensor to, so that way every time someone walks by it, we can show our add!" (this usually doesn't work since it takes a split second to reboot and when it is displayed the guy has walked by).
I am not against technology, I think a lot of it is great. But god dammit has it ever made us lazy.
Oh, and as for you environmentalist
that say the motion sensored lights are a sweet idea because they automatically turn off, how about we just teach our population to give two shits about anyone other than themselves and turn off the lights manually, like they did in the "goo' ole" 60's.
To conclude, let's stop buying ridiculous crap and save the little of our independent dignity
that we still have left. Face.
I am much more intellect than you". What used to be a competition in lawn mowing and hedge trimming between neighbors has moved to a feat of who can buy the newest expensive gadget first. Speaking of which, I hate people who go through two or more cellphones a year, just because one becomes "outdated". Businesses are also competitive. They have to attract people away from similar sellers to their own company. Fine, makes sense. But what used to be achieved through pricing and customer service is now done, in large part, with gadgets (real time chat with experts, express checkout, escalators instead of stairs - for you skeptics who think I am lying). Some places now will just load up every inch of their building with "technological advancements".There are many examples, some that I can't think of but I am sure you can, but the one that gets me the most, is the Motion Sensor
.Motion sensors are like a warm beer: looks cool from a distance but is utter disappointment in reality. Here is a short list to describe where Motion sensors should and shouldn't be. For readability purposes, I have uploaded it as a picture.
"Oh I know, let's make that a motion sensor, that way people won't have to press anything for water"
"And let's make the monitor a motion sensor to, so that way every time someone walks by it, we can show our add!" (this usually doesn't work since it takes a split second to reboot and when it is displayed the guy has walked by).
I am not against technology, I think a lot of it is great. But god dammit has it ever made us lazy.
Oh, and as for you environmentalist
that say the motion sensored lights are a sweet idea because they automatically turn off, how about we just teach our population to give two shits about anyone other than themselves and turn off the lights manually, like they did in the "goo' ole" 60's.To conclude, let's stop buying ridiculous crap and save the little of our independent dignity
that we still have left. Face.
Monday, May 10, 2010
The Most Evil Character Ever ... that you can relate to.
Read this somewhere just now, and although I have already posted today I don't feel like working on an IAS machine language assignment. I read that the best characters are those who the reader can related to. Thus, it is really challenging to write a very evil character in a story because the average reader will not be able to relate to him, at least not without being sympathetic. So, I rise to the challenge, and release what I hope will be the first installment of a lasting series on this blog. I call it ...
______________________________________________________________________________________________
The Adventure of Vince Vanderhauntyourdreams, the Evil Evilest that is Evil, yet easy to relate to.
Chapter 1, an Introduction.
"Aww Fudgesicle pudding!" Howled Dr. Vanderhauntyourdreams after hearing the lottery numbers on the radio, while stuck in Tuesday morning traffic. He threw his losing ticket out the window and punched a kitten in the face. "Littering!" he loudly exclaimed in his bitter solitude "one of the many small evil things I do!", he was shouting now "but you will see my full power when my master plan comes into focus". His voice came as a sonic boom. He was convinced he caught the eye of the old male driver adjacent to him in the standstill traffic. However now his cold judgmental eyes stared forward. Vince always had a hard time controlling his voice when he started talking evil.
He sat alone in his tiny Prius, that although small with little horsepower, was dreadful on gas. The faded sky-blue paint was the final touch on what made this car appear excessively flamboyant. Most on-lookers expect to spot n mildly-obese middle-aged women in a petunia dress behind the wheel, but get a pleasant chuckle when they see the tired-eyed middle age man with a permanent coffee stain on most of the shirts in his unvaried wardrobe. The rest of the drivers dignity is removed by the numerous bumper stickers that revealed either malicious or disturbing remarks. One had "I strongly disagree with your stance on abortion" in big glittery letters, while another one was simply black with a white lettered message that exclaimed "You're kids r failure". A final one read "Illegal Immigrants are god's gift to our nation".
There were gym clothes scattered around the back seat. But if his skinny 130 pound body wasn't an obvious indicator of their under-use, then the ever-growing pile of discarded candy wrappers that covered them were. In the passenger seat was an ugly lime-green duffel bag from 1982 that was full of kittens. Frequently he would remove one from the bag and assert his evil position of power by physically harming the adorable feline.
The painful morning commute to his crappy job took him just under an hour on most days. The grim building stood non-spectacularly at the bottom of a glum hill. Parking was savagely unavailable. However in the early days Vince found quite the solution. He had drawn up a handicapped parking pass, and stowed his car daily in one of two reserved spaces at the nearby "drug-rehab for the paraplegic" clinic.
Once in his building he still had to make his way to the fifth floor. To do so he would grab the elevator and take advantage of his terrible hygiene to ensure that his distaste for the start of the day was matched by all other passengers. He smelt like a robust mixture of burnt skunk and wet-dog farts. Finally on his floor, it was his last chance to spread his hatred among others. He would make his way to his desk by mixing foot shuffling with loud pounding steps. He met the rare greeting with either an audible grunt or an extended period of barking and growling that lead to violent foaming of the mouth.
Finally he sat down at his desk where he was supposed to perform miserable tasks for eight hours, but this time was usually spent plotting his next diabolically insane ultra evil plot.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
The Adventure of Vince Vanderhauntyourdreams, the Evil Evilest that is Evil, yet easy to relate to.
Chapter 1, an Introduction.
"Aww Fudgesicle pudding!" Howled Dr. Vanderhauntyourdreams after hearing the lottery numbers on the radio, while stuck in Tuesday morning traffic. He threw his losing ticket out the window and punched a kitten in the face. "Littering!" he loudly exclaimed in his bitter solitude "one of the many small evil things I do!", he was shouting now "but you will see my full power when my master plan comes into focus". His voice came as a sonic boom. He was convinced he caught the eye of the old male driver adjacent to him in the standstill traffic. However now his cold judgmental eyes stared forward. Vince always had a hard time controlling his voice when he started talking evil.
He sat alone in his tiny Prius, that although small with little horsepower, was dreadful on gas. The faded sky-blue paint was the final touch on what made this car appear excessively flamboyant. Most on-lookers expect to spot n mildly-obese middle-aged women in a petunia dress behind the wheel, but get a pleasant chuckle when they see the tired-eyed middle age man with a permanent coffee stain on most of the shirts in his unvaried wardrobe. The rest of the drivers dignity is removed by the numerous bumper stickers that revealed either malicious or disturbing remarks. One had "I strongly disagree with your stance on abortion" in big glittery letters, while another one was simply black with a white lettered message that exclaimed "You're kids r failure". A final one read "Illegal Immigrants are god's gift to our nation".
There were gym clothes scattered around the back seat. But if his skinny 130 pound body wasn't an obvious indicator of their under-use, then the ever-growing pile of discarded candy wrappers that covered them were. In the passenger seat was an ugly lime-green duffel bag from 1982 that was full of kittens. Frequently he would remove one from the bag and assert his evil position of power by physically harming the adorable feline.
The painful morning commute to his crappy job took him just under an hour on most days. The grim building stood non-spectacularly at the bottom of a glum hill. Parking was savagely unavailable. However in the early days Vince found quite the solution. He had drawn up a handicapped parking pass, and stowed his car daily in one of two reserved spaces at the nearby "drug-rehab for the paraplegic" clinic.
Once in his building he still had to make his way to the fifth floor. To do so he would grab the elevator and take advantage of his terrible hygiene to ensure that his distaste for the start of the day was matched by all other passengers. He smelt like a robust mixture of burnt skunk and wet-dog farts. Finally on his floor, it was his last chance to spread his hatred among others. He would make his way to his desk by mixing foot shuffling with loud pounding steps. He met the rare greeting with either an audible grunt or an extended period of barking and growling that lead to violent foaming of the mouth.
Finally he sat down at his desk where he was supposed to perform miserable tasks for eight hours, but this time was usually spent plotting his next diabolically insane ultra evil plot.
I'll tell you what I hate about Magnets ...
Kids differ a lot. Some like to throw sand in the eyes of others, some like puppets. It's just one of those things. But something is common across all kids, there is nothing like a - or several - good toy(s). Toys were clutch. Either G.I. John, Pogs, a remote control car or an easy bake oven, I mean whatever floats your boat man. Remember as a child getting invited to a birthday party and going to buy a gift? It was so fucking easy; just pick up a toy. Even when twenty kids were at the same party, there was enough variety to ensure there would be nineteen different toys; and a goldfish. Some asshole always had to buy a goldfish. It's not like that now. As I approach my twenties buying a gift is treacherous. I have no idea what other people want, and keeping it under $20 is a nightmare. As my psychiatrist tells me "chocolate won't solve all your problems".
All kids have also, for one reason or another, played with magnets. It just kind of happened. You don't want to admit it, I see you there, all high and mighty "Nooo not me, I never played with magnets, is this blogger some kind of fag lol?". But, macho as you may try and be, I know, and I am ok with it. There was just something about them. They would attract and repulse each other like it was nobody's business. They could find loose change and paper clips but not wood or insects. It was science on a stick. But with all that, came this hatred, a bitter feud. It was like the nice guy at the party, who brought an extra keg (or cake, depending on your age), but no one liked him anyway. Magnets just kind of carried this shit attitude about what they did. It was arrogance with a touch of laziness. Magnets always felt like they were better than kids. They power trains in Japan, they are made from a stone called magnetite(Not to be confused with Magnemite) and they had no time to be messing around with our little games. Magnets always had this passive look to them, as if dreaming to be somewhere else. Not like that batman toy. He was ready. Sure, batman could be out saving the world from pandemics and global warming, but no, he was right there, with M. Cudddlesworth, enjoying a cup of mocha, or beating up on a plastic version of M. Freeze; look,I don't judge you for what you did as a kid, quit judging me.
All I am saying is that magnets aren't toys. They do not provide entertainment and using them is not an activity. They were fun in a stubbing your toe while walking in the dark with a tub of gasoline, and then spilling said gasoline onto a lit match just under your feet, thus igniting a flame and bringing you down in a painful fire kind of way. But despite having the enjoyment value of head lice, all kids experimented with magnets.
But the hours spent laughing and playing...
It's hard to decipher, but to conclude, they are probably the most bipolar toy on the market.
Ha! All that, just for a pun! Your move reader, your move.
All kids have also, for one reason or another, played with magnets. It just kind of happened. You don't want to admit it, I see you there, all high and mighty "Nooo not me, I never played with magnets, is this blogger some kind of fag lol?". But, macho as you may try and be, I know, and I am ok with it. There was just something about them. They would attract and repulse each other like it was nobody's business. They could find loose change and paper clips but not wood or insects. It was science on a stick. But with all that, came this hatred, a bitter feud. It was like the nice guy at the party, who brought an extra keg (or cake, depending on your age), but no one liked him anyway. Magnets just kind of carried this shit attitude about what they did. It was arrogance with a touch of laziness. Magnets always felt like they were better than kids. They power trains in Japan, they are made from a stone called magnetite(Not to be confused with Magnemite) and they had no time to be messing around with our little games. Magnets always had this passive look to them, as if dreaming to be somewhere else. Not like that batman toy. He was ready. Sure, batman could be out saving the world from pandemics and global warming, but no, he was right there, with M. Cudddlesworth, enjoying a cup of mocha, or beating up on a plastic version of M. Freeze; look,I don't judge you for what you did as a kid, quit judging me.
All I am saying is that magnets aren't toys. They do not provide entertainment and using them is not an activity. They were fun in a stubbing your toe while walking in the dark with a tub of gasoline, and then spilling said gasoline onto a lit match just under your feet, thus igniting a flame and bringing you down in a painful fire kind of way. But despite having the enjoyment value of head lice, all kids experimented with magnets.
But the hours spent laughing and playing...
It's hard to decipher, but to conclude, they are probably the most bipolar toy on the market.
Ha! All that, just for a pun! Your move reader, your move.
Friday, May 7, 2010
One of Them List Things (with surprise conclusion!)
It seems that the Internet is full of lists. Apparently they help readers stay focused on the article. I have also noticed that my blog, although short lived, does not have any lists. So let's do one! I present to you "The Five Paragraphs That, Collectively, Best Describe My Thoughts on Computers Becoming As Human As Humans"
___________________________________________________________________
Five Paragraphs That, Collectively, Best Describe My Thoughts on Computers Becoming As Human As Humans
Paragraph One: An inciting introduction that ends in a question and urges the user to continue reading.
Two of the biggest industries for development have been robotics and technology(mutually exclusive). Hardware profusely matches the texture and delicateness of a human hand and all it's joints and super computer brains can now beat the world expert at chess, while throwing successful pick up lines at his mother. Right there, a chess player with successful pick up lines, ten years ago thiswould have been unheard of. The fear though, is that we will go too far. If we continue, humans will lose control and be dominated by the robotic race. This is intriguing; could a robot programmed brain ever be powerful enough to lead an absolute take over?
Paragraph Two: Presenting a weak argument for the side I do not support, with the goal to counter it in upcoming paragraphs.
There is no denying the power behind the most modern computers. Let's take the aforementioned computer that beat the worlds best chess player (A good text would have a reference here). It did this by calculating every single move possible on the next turn, and then every single move possible after that move and so on and so forth until the end of the game. Literally billions of permutations of moves, only selecting the move that would lead to no possible way of defeat. Sure, this is just programmed planning, it's not learning from mistakes, or gaining knowledge. It is making decisions, but only from a decision bank that has been programmed in it. At this point,the computer merely following orders.
Paragraph Three: Another paragraph for the wrong team, wait what side is this guy on?
Onwards and upwards then, can we program rationality? Or emotion? Most would argue that this is what identifies the human mind. Can we program learning? Unfortunately, the answers are yes, mostly and yes. I'll try to cover all the bases and keep this short and not too geeky, because I feel like the limit was exceeded in part two of the list. Rationality can be programmed based on calculations of given information. A prime example are the robots at banking institutes that use rational thought processing to determine whether or not people are eligible for a credit. It asks a series of yes/no questions, and calculates the answers to decide if the person qualifies. But still, this is all pre programmed. As for Emotion, this is where a lot of the work is being done. Computers can at this point detect and recreate most basic human emotions such as happy and sad. There is also voice and facial recognition to determine what a user is feeling. However the complicated emotions, such as sympathy and jealousness, are out of reach. But need not be alarmed, this is now where lead developpers are focusing most of their efforts. Lastly, can computers learn? Some robots are programmed to respond to errors, by storing the data and changing their behavior. For example, take an experiment where a robot is to make it through a large maze and gets put back to the start every time it hits a dead end. It can be programmed to store the data of left and right turns it took the first time, and remember not to take that path. Like the chess player, only it "remembers" what it did wrong, learns from it, and eventually gets it right.
Paragraph four: Knowing the readers are starting to lose interest, this is shorter, entertaining and makes the final point. It also, attempts humor to convey a light tone and prove that the author is an ok guy.
So were screwed. They now have emotion and rationality. They can learn, and they can have their way with us when it comes to calculations and analyzing data. But there is one thing, just one thing that we will always have; that cannot be programmed by the brightest minds of Google, Apple, or microsoft ... haha ok, that last one was for the laughs, but seriously, it's not going to happen(and no Google, this isn't a challenge). A computer will never have free thought. Ever. Free thought can't be programmed. Even if you put in code, that says "have free thought", it is still just doing what it is told. It can think, but only what it is told to think about. It can act rationally but ... well you get it. A computer has a very strict, yet very large set of orders. And that's it. If the orders do not tell it to play chess, then it won't play chess.
Paragraph five: Finally the freaking conclusion and wait, what... why are you trying to tie this into another subject...
Robots will be harmless while not having free thought. As long as they are not told to attack someone with a battle ax, then it isn't even on the realm of possible out comes, and thus they are harmless. You know what the government would like us to be? Harmless. You know what they are trying to do to us? Take away our free thought, take away our ability to think outside the box by either censoring news, or manipulating the news that is available. Why? Because when we stop thinking critically, when we put away the questions and just believe what we are told, we become like robots. Completely harmless.
This has been a long post, if you made it this far, you owe it to yourself to post a comment. See below!
___________________________________________________________________
Five Paragraphs That, Collectively, Best Describe My Thoughts on Computers Becoming As Human As Humans
Paragraph One: An inciting introduction that ends in a question and urges the user to continue reading.
Two of the biggest industries for development have been robotics and technology(mutually exclusive). Hardware profusely matches the texture and delicateness of a human hand and all it's joints and super computer brains can now beat the world expert at chess, while throwing successful pick up lines at his mother. Right there, a chess player with successful pick up lines, ten years ago thiswould have been unheard of. The fear though, is that we will go too far. If we continue, humans will lose control and be dominated by the robotic race. This is intriguing; could a robot programmed brain ever be powerful enough to lead an absolute take over?
Paragraph Two: Presenting a weak argument for the side I do not support, with the goal to counter it in upcoming paragraphs.
There is no denying the power behind the most modern computers. Let's take the aforementioned computer that beat the worlds best chess player (A good text would have a reference here). It did this by calculating every single move possible on the next turn, and then every single move possible after that move and so on and so forth until the end of the game. Literally billions of permutations of moves, only selecting the move that would lead to no possible way of defeat. Sure, this is just programmed planning, it's not learning from mistakes, or gaining knowledge. It is making decisions, but only from a decision bank that has been programmed in it. At this point,the computer merely following orders.
Paragraph Three: Another paragraph for the wrong team, wait what side is this guy on?
Onwards and upwards then, can we program rationality? Or emotion? Most would argue that this is what identifies the human mind. Can we program learning? Unfortunately, the answers are yes, mostly and yes. I'll try to cover all the bases and keep this short and not too geeky, because I feel like the limit was exceeded in part two of the list. Rationality can be programmed based on calculations of given information. A prime example are the robots at banking institutes that use rational thought processing to determine whether or not people are eligible for a credit. It asks a series of yes/no questions, and calculates the answers to decide if the person qualifies. But still, this is all pre programmed. As for Emotion, this is where a lot of the work is being done. Computers can at this point detect and recreate most basic human emotions such as happy and sad. There is also voice and facial recognition to determine what a user is feeling. However the complicated emotions, such as sympathy and jealousness, are out of reach. But need not be alarmed, this is now where lead developpers are focusing most of their efforts. Lastly, can computers learn? Some robots are programmed to respond to errors, by storing the data and changing their behavior. For example, take an experiment where a robot is to make it through a large maze and gets put back to the start every time it hits a dead end. It can be programmed to store the data of left and right turns it took the first time, and remember not to take that path. Like the chess player, only it "remembers" what it did wrong, learns from it, and eventually gets it right.
Paragraph four: Knowing the readers are starting to lose interest, this is shorter, entertaining and makes the final point. It also, attempts humor to convey a light tone and prove that the author is an ok guy.
So were screwed. They now have emotion and rationality. They can learn, and they can have their way with us when it comes to calculations and analyzing data. But there is one thing, just one thing that we will always have; that cannot be programmed by the brightest minds of Google, Apple, or microsoft ... haha ok, that last one was for the laughs, but seriously, it's not going to happen(and no Google, this isn't a challenge). A computer will never have free thought. Ever. Free thought can't be programmed. Even if you put in code, that says "have free thought", it is still just doing what it is told. It can think, but only what it is told to think about. It can act rationally but ... well you get it. A computer has a very strict, yet very large set of orders. And that's it. If the orders do not tell it to play chess, then it won't play chess.
Paragraph five: Finally the freaking conclusion and wait, what... why are you trying to tie this into another subject...
Robots will be harmless while not having free thought. As long as they are not told to attack someone with a battle ax, then it isn't even on the realm of possible out comes, and thus they are harmless. You know what the government would like us to be? Harmless. You know what they are trying to do to us? Take away our free thought, take away our ability to think outside the box by either censoring news, or manipulating the news that is available. Why? Because when we stop thinking critically, when we put away the questions and just believe what we are told, we become like robots. Completely harmless.
This has been a long post, if you made it this far, you owe it to yourself to post a comment. See below!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Hey Journalists, puns are old news!
So, stumbled across this article today: "Non-contact hockey: It's a hit"
Ha! A pun. Get it? Because ... no contact, a hit ... hitting is contact.
Why do they even bother anymore? Puns are fine. Especially those of the subtle variety, for example where there are three people in a group...
Person A: Something clever adding to the conversation
Person A B & C: Laughter
Person C: "And ha, no pun intended!"
Persons A and B: More laughter Upon realization of second meaning in what was originally said. Ideally, Person A laughs more here as he/she stated the original entity in full innocence.
But to always use repetitive dim witted puns as titles to B league news stories is uninspired, at best. My least favorite is the obvious front page of the sports section headline "Titans use their heads to win LNC title" and the picture is, of course, a member of the Titans hitting some object with their head, or better, getting hit in the head by some object. Don't get me wrong, the joke is hilarious; to four year olds. However most of them don't periodically browse the papers scanning for clever word play in the headlines.
But I am not one to just criticize, so I did a bit of research and found out that, obviously, a title is supposed to immediately grab the attention of those who are scanning through, and incite them to read more. Notice the no quotation marks there? Yeah, it's not verbatim, deal with it.
Let's first look at the larger stories. To immediately grab the attention of the casual reader, what if we just put the title in a different font size, put some bold, and have it be the first thing in an article. Surely then we wouldn't need a pun. Oh, yeah they already do that. It's not usually hard to urge the readers to continue the article once they parse over the title "TERRORISTS TERRORISTS TERRORISTS: IN YOUR BACK YARD, PLAYING WITH YOUR DOG" or "OIL SPILL MOCKING YOUR MOTHER, TO HIT SHORE WITHING WEEK" .
That's expected; that's what news papers are for, for news.
Big stories need no pun
That, not necessary.
It's in the smaller cases, the technical term is "Filler" I believe, that problems come up.
The cats in the tree and the "Rural Residents Bear unwanted wildlife", "Construction workers raise their glasses to new skyscraper". For some odd reason, no one wants to read these columns. So can we assume that the Pun incites the reader into believing that the author is humorous and that the rest of the article is a barrel of laughs? I mean it's not like saying exactly what the story is about will get anyone to read it. But if humor is all that is needed, why not put straight up jokes. Or side splitting riddles even.
Example, for a story about a local cat show, Headline: "WHY WAS THE SQUIRREL SWIMMING ON HIS BACK?". Then have two paragraphs of text, and subtly put "To keep his nuts dry" somewhere in the middle of the article.
This can work even better if the reader misses it the first time, he/she can read over it again and try to find it. Now you have readers spending even more time in your paper. It's perfect, no?
Wait, heres an alternative, take all the useless crap out of my news papers. Rid me of the puns and the stories about "Restaurant delivers baked goods to ex marijuana addicts", then you might get me reading the paper again.
Signing off,
R.
A bitter blogger who gets it write.
Credit given where credit's due. Photos found here and on the Internet.
Ha! A pun. Get it? Because ... no contact, a hit ... hitting is contact.
Why do they even bother anymore? Puns are fine. Especially those of the subtle variety, for example where there are three people in a group...
Person A: Something clever adding to the conversation
Person A B & C: Laughter
Person C: "And ha, no pun intended!"
Persons A and B: More laughter Upon realization of second meaning in what was originally said. Ideally, Person A laughs more here as he/she stated the original entity in full innocence.
But to always use repetitive dim witted puns as titles to B league news stories is uninspired, at best. My least favorite is the obvious front page of the sports section headline "Titans use their heads to win LNC title" and the picture is, of course, a member of the Titans hitting some object with their head, or better, getting hit in the head by some object. Don't get me wrong, the joke is hilarious; to four year olds. However most of them don't periodically browse the papers scanning for clever word play in the headlines.
But I am not one to just criticize, so I did a bit of research and found out that, obviously, a title is supposed to immediately grab the attention of those who are scanning through, and incite them to read more. Notice the no quotation marks there? Yeah, it's not verbatim, deal with it.
Let's first look at the larger stories. To immediately grab the attention of the casual reader, what if we just put the title in a different font size, put some bold, and have it be the first thing in an article. Surely then we wouldn't need a pun. Oh, yeah they already do that. It's not usually hard to urge the readers to continue the article once they parse over the title "TERRORISTS TERRORISTS TERRORISTS: IN YOUR BACK YARD, PLAYING WITH YOUR DOG" or "OIL SPILL MOCKING YOUR MOTHER, TO HIT SHORE WITHING WEEK" .
That's expected; that's what news papers are for, for news.
Big stories need no pun
That, not necessary.
It's in the smaller cases, the technical term is "Filler" I believe, that problems come up.
The cats in the tree and the "Rural Residents Bear unwanted wildlife", "Construction workers raise their glasses to new skyscraper". For some odd reason, no one wants to read these columns. So can we assume that the Pun incites the reader into believing that the author is humorous and that the rest of the article is a barrel of laughs? I mean it's not like saying exactly what the story is about will get anyone to read it. But if humor is all that is needed, why not put straight up jokes. Or side splitting riddles even.
Example, for a story about a local cat show, Headline: "WHY WAS THE SQUIRREL SWIMMING ON HIS BACK?". Then have two paragraphs of text, and subtly put "To keep his nuts dry" somewhere in the middle of the article.
This can work even better if the reader misses it the first time, he/she can read over it again and try to find it. Now you have readers spending even more time in your paper. It's perfect, no?
Wait, heres an alternative, take all the useless crap out of my news papers. Rid me of the puns and the stories about "Restaurant delivers baked goods to ex marijuana addicts", then you might get me reading the paper again.
Signing off,
R.
A bitter blogger who gets it write.
Credit given where credit's due. Photos found here and on the Internet.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
30 ways to subtly announce you are about to ... uhh, you know
In what hopefully doesn't become a monthly tradition, here are 30 ways to subtly announce you are about to ... uhh, you know.
Well I am off, I need to get some sleep but first I am going to...
(1)Shake the stick
(2)Lose the contest
(3)Choke the bird
(4)Wipe down the jewels
(5)Put the fireman to work
(6)Walk the dog
(7)Give the boy some air
(8)Turn a phrase
(9)Listen to the first album of the Strokes
(10)Deliver a child
(11)Master Italian
(12)Let the hose run
(13)Colonize Massachusetts
(14)Fence-in my pool
(15)Hand-craft a Russian war plane replica
(16)Reach a save point
(17)Gather the corn crops
(18)Re-shingle the shed
(19)Practice the trumpet
(20)Run some rum
(21)Put some fuel in the trailer
(22)Book a cruise to Germany
(23)Headline for a three man comedy show
(24)Add to my coin collection
(25)Weigh some grapes
(26)Join a fast-pitch team
(27)Name a constellation
(28)Sponsor a homeless Peruvian child
(29)Knit a toque
(30)Build a bridge over troubled waters
Well I am off, I need to get some sleep but first I am going to...
(1)Shake the stick
(2)Lose the contest
(3)Choke the bird
(4)Wipe down the jewels
(5)Put the fireman to work
(6)Walk the dog
(7)Give the boy some air
(8)Turn a phrase
(9)Listen to the first album of the Strokes
(10)Deliver a child
(11)Master Italian
(12)Let the hose run
(13)Colonize Massachusetts
(14)Fence-in my pool
(15)Hand-craft a Russian war plane replica
(16)Reach a save point
(17)Gather the corn crops
(18)Re-shingle the shed
(19)Practice the trumpet
(20)Run some rum
(21)Put some fuel in the trailer
(22)Book a cruise to Germany
(23)Headline for a three man comedy show
(24)Add to my coin collection
(25)Weigh some grapes
(26)Join a fast-pitch team
(27)Name a constellation
(28)Sponsor a homeless Peruvian child
(29)Knit a toque
(30)Build a bridge over troubled waters
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